My fertility journey began in 2002 when I was 40 years old. I was finally ready to settle and start a family. I never regretted marrying later in life, I had a wonderful rich life, filled with friends, gratifying work and travel.
My first husband and I began trying even before we were married. Once we were engaged we stopped using birth control.
We got married in 2003, I was 41 years old and not pregnant. I knew my clock was ticking.
We went to a fertility specialist at the suggestion of my doctor.
I am a doer.
I was on a mission to get pregnant asap.
At the same time, I was birthing a new Yoga studio and renovating a small new house.
We did all of the medical testing and I was fine, no physical obstruction, no medical issues and hormones levels were great. My husband on the other hand had some issues with his sperm, which the doctors assured us could be fixed by washing the sperm and choosing the strong swimmers.
I worked with healers of all kinds, shaman, psychics, energy healers, acupuncturists, Chinese medicine doctors. Searching hard for the key that would make me pregnant.
All of the healers told me the same thing that I was going to birth a baby girl.
Each month when I got my period it would be devastatingly depressing. I worked hard to manage the fear, shame and isolation I was feeling.
Sometimes a woman walking on the street with a baby carriage would bring me to tears.
But I stayed committed to my yoga practice and didn’t give up hope. I prayed, I chanted, I visualized, I meditated and started up a conversation with the soul of my daughter Jaya.
Eventually we went through 3 IUI and 1 IVF cycle with no success. It was draining financially as well as emotionally. We couldn’t afford another IVF cycle in the USA and donor eggs were super expensive at that time. I had an idea to go to India to do a donor egg cycle which was 10% of the cost of one in the USA. But in the end, the donor egg cycle didn’t work. I didn’t get pregnant.
It was a very rough time - but my deep desire kept me pushing forward.
I never would have survived the experience if it weren’t for my Yoga practice.
I realized that the medical doctors were not magicians and that bringing this baby into the world was going to take a lot more than just the science of IVF.
After the India let down, we decided to adopt a baby. In my heart I knew it wasn’t the right decision. After much soul searching it became clear that I had made the wrong choice in a husband. I realized I was trying to make our marriage work just so I could have my baby. With the support of my teacher, I left the relationship. It was a really difficult time losing my husband, my fantasy of the perfect family and my baby, but the universe was steering me in a different direction.
In a meditation vision, I saw a cottage on a lake in Montauk, a beach town where I spent my summers. The next day I saw an ad in the local paper advertising a lakefront cottage for rent.
I moved into my cottage. It was my haven. I spent a lot of time alone that winter, processing and healing. I took charge of my health, cleaned up my diet, practiced Yoga, meditation and focused on staying healthy and well.
I became connected to a deeper knowing inside, feeling that although I was alone and not pregnant, I was in the right place. I felt present and clear. I was ready to live in the moment and allow my future to unfold. I had surrendered.
Then at 44 I met JJ, a cool, smart surfer, 10 years younger than me. We fell in love and from the night our hands first touched we have never been apart. After just 6 short months together we knew we would be together for the rest of our lives. I told him I couldn’t get pregnant, that I was too old and my eggs were old - I was 45 years old. He didn’t believe me, he felt sure we could make a baby, but agreed to adopt if it didn’t happen. We moved in together and the first month we made love without protection, I got pregnant. I was overjoyed.
Nine weeks later, I miscarried. It was rough. But everyone kept telling me it was a good sign, it meant if I got pregnant once, I would get pregnant again. Our doctor told us to wait 2 cycles and then to start trying. That next cycle I got pregnant again.
This time I stayed pregnant and nine months later when I was 46 years old, I gave birth to the light of my life, my daughter Jaya Lynn. Jaya for victory and Lynn for my older sister who I had lost a few years before.
I truly believe that the babies that are coming into to women with fertility challenges are very special light beings.
They choose us as mamas and they demand that we step up to take charge of our lives.
I know that it was my connection to my Yoga practice that gave this story it’s happy ending.
I hope to share the lessons that I’ve learned with other women who are on this path. It’s a deep challenge and I believe all women on this journey are warriors. We are fighting hard to bring our babies in.
But there are ways to make the journey more peaceful and joyful. It doesn’t have to be so hard, difficult and sad.
I created the Sacred Fertility Yoga to share my vision and to bring love and support to other women on their path to motherhood and beyond !
With love, Lauren